Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Self Image

One of my biggest struggles in two words: self image.  I have ALWAYS struggled with feeling beautiful.  The last 18 months - 2 years I have felt like a million bucks!  I was far from the perfect image of myself that I have in my head but I felt beautiful.  Well, since moving to Missouri, I have lost that feeling.  That confidence that I had. 

I attribute that loss of confidence to two things.  One, lack of exercise.  I have had great stints of working out here but overall I have been slacking.  With exercise comes energy and confidence and w/o the exercise I have been losing the benefits that come along with it!   

Two, weight gain.  I lost A LOT of weight while Travis was gone.  I was about 8 pounds below my "dream number", you know, the number that you always want to be at whether it's realistic or not!  I got some REALLY cute tiny girl clothes and a knock em dead formal dress for the ball.  It was fabulous.  Well, in a short amount of time, I gained 20 pounds.  Now I will admit that even with that 20 pounds I am still within my healthy weight range.  And now I'm pregnant and have put on 5 more pounds.  No clothes fit.  Every day I have to fight those stupid "I feel fat" demons.  I HATE looking at pictures of myself.  AGH!  I hate being in a funk!!

Oh and my HAIR!!!  I moved away from my amazing hair lady and I want to cry!!  She came to my house because she knew it was easier than getting someone to watch my kids!!  She didn't charge me half a months salary!  She was amazing and I loved how she did my hair.  Well I went to someone here to color it and I thought the color was OK but she charged me A TON and she didn't even touch it with scissors!  So the last time it was trimmed was 8 months ago and it was a mess.  I didn't want to go pay someone to do it so I trimmed it myself.  It's much healthier now but it needs styled.  In a bad way.  And it hasn't been colored for 5 months and it needs it something fierce.  Ugh, I hate when I feel like I have an ugly mop on my head.

GRR!!  I hate when I get like this.  Sorry to complain.  I know nobody likes to hear complaining and I am SO anti-negativity.  I'm not looking for sympathy or compliments or anything, I just needed to vent.  I KNOW that I'll get my hair done soon {I have a killer hairstylist waiting for me when we move}.  I KNOW I will feel better with exercise {even if I'm not trying to LOSE weight}.  And I know that those numbers are just numbers.  I will find some clothes that fit {I'm sure they are in a box somewhere} and will soon feel more pregnant that fat.       


Kim said...

I love you any way you are! You are a beautiful person inside and out. If I have this baby before you get here you can have all my summer preggo stuff as well. (Don't worry, I am in the exact same boat. As I approach the # I weighed after Taegen, even though I am 8 1/2 months pregnant those blasted demons are fighting me as well.)

leslie mae said...

♥ you Kim!!! What in the world am I doing moving away from you?!!!

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